I am probably the worst exponent of HTML, anywhere. Before hearing about Blogger and blogging generally I would no more of wanted to become involved in web design than pull my nipple hair out with pliers. But I quite like this writing lark and have done so since I was quite young. And since I decided not to become a writer years ago when the opportunity wasn't so much knocking on my door as delivering a succession of haymakers to my head - this "blogging" seems to provide for me a needed creative outlet.

Of course one could repair to a desolate garret and write whimsical poetry for the local rag, which publishes, once a month, excruciating examples of work by local hobby poets. These shockers invariable make you want to run circles round the living room squeezing your ears tightly in the hope of forcing the words back out through your eyes, vicariously feeling the shame their authors will never know. Mine would be no better. And I don't have a garret.

Or I could submit endless letters to local newspapers voicing dissent at local council decisions whilst hiding the origin of the scandalous accusations behind a nom de plume such as "outraged" or "disgusted". (Imaginary conversation with self) "You could write a thesis." "No, too exhaustive." "Try writing a novel." "No too exhausting." " Have you ever thought of writing… a Weblog." "Eh!" "Well a Weblog is…

And here I am writing a weblog. But here I am also, wrecking the bloody template every time I try to add, remove or adjust anything. I'm surfing the net like a demented "Data" from "Star Trek," registering my URL with, well anyone prepared to offer a box that says "add URL," and a button I can press that reads "submit." " Please place this HTML code onto your site within 24 hours otherwise we will send the heavy mob round to your house - yes we know where you live you snivelling little asshole - and beat the living crap out of you."

So with a sweaty palm and a hand cramped with tension - code saved, up with the template…plonk it …hmm..Here! Bollocks! It's in the middle of page. And so on. But I am now armed with my own copy of HTML for beginners. So confidence will soon be my new acquaintance.

Flick, flick, (clears throat) now, HTML, that stands for … hy per ten..s..?